Collaborating in Resolving Conflicts
Expanding on conflict resolution, I once received the following question in a radio interview:
How, then, can we confront conflict collaboratively?
I would like to share with you some of my comments from that discussion. Something that is important is to be ready and open to listen to the points of view of others, making a significant effort to understand their ideas and motives.
To encourage the possibility of understanding the point of view of others, it is worth while that we not yet evaluate what we are listening to, since when we evaluate we see others opinions based on our own perceptions.
Here are some initial questions I like to consider asking when I intend to resolve a conflict:
- What do you think?
- How do you feel?
- What concerns you?
- How do you think this situation affects us?
- What are the critical points to resolve in this situation?
- Do we need to involve anyone else?
And truly listen to the answers with a firm desire to understand the points of view and feelings of the other person.
It is also meaningful to make an effort to express our own thoughts and feelings in the most objective and open way possible.
Once we believe we understand the point of view of the other person, we can then concentrate on CLARIFYING those areas in which we agree and those in which our opinions diverge. This summary causes both to focus on the points being dealt with. These aspects help the communication to be clearer and are important to advance the process.
The third step is to seek ALTERNATIVES together. When both persons have an open attitude, of which we have spoken, this step is facilitated a great deal. It is meaningful to speak with a desire to find a solution that benefits everyone involved. The idea is for all concerned to generate different options in which everyone gains. With this in mind, generate as many alternatives as possible, alternatives that all feel good about. In general this implies including the desires of all participants for a common good.
The fourth step is to MAKE A DECISION, that is, to arrive at a satisfactory agreement that includes all points of view and people involved, and that fosters harmonious relationships. A story that is told frequently in seminars on negotiation is that of two girls fighting for the same orange. Their mom finally intervenes and cuts the orange in half. The first girl throws away the peel and eats the fruit. The second girl throws away the fruit and uses the peel to make a cake. If the two girls had collaborated they would have realized that beyond the superficial conflict over the orange, they had complementary needs. Both would have been able to have a double quantity of what they desired! So for satisfactory conflict resolution it is meaningful to clarify the motives and objectives of each person. It is then, through a collaborative focus that it becomes possible to solve conflicts and build a state of harmony in our relationships.
